Last week marked my six-month anniversary of being unemployed. Happily, I got a job offer on Monday morning – which also happened to be my sister’s birthday. (Her reaction, when I called to tell her the news: “Happy birthday to me! You got a job!”)
However, the offer was contingent on a successful check of my references, so I waited in limbo for four days while the good folks in HR did what they had to do. And that was almost worse than not getting the offer at all – so paranoid was I that they’d find some small reason to revoke it.
My week of limbo/liberty was blessedly free of hitting the job boards, but full of the other activities which have filled my last six months: a freelance project or two; laundry and dishes; making soup for lunch; walking to the post office and the branch library; playing around on Twitter and blogs; sipping tea at the dining-room table while journaling or writing. And feeling guilty.
No, I don’t feel guilty about doing freelance work, tending my house or even taking a break for a cup of tea. I love my quiet mornings here at the dining-room table, sunshine coming in the windows, my current bouquet (this week it’s daffodils) blooming away. I love being able to stir up a pot of soup or nip down to the branch library for a new novel. And I am so glad I haven’t had to brave the cold during our string of snowstorms (though I am now joining the commuting hordes at my local T station).
Rather, I feel guilty about all the things I haven’t done while searching for a job. Couldn’t I have applied to more jobs, gone to more networking events, worked harder to score more interviews? Should I have taken a part-time job somewhere to make money, or applied for plain old temp work instead of specialized writing temp work, or allowed myself fewer excursions to downtown Boston? I definitely should have spent less time browsing the Web, clicking links and reading my favorite blogs. And couldn’t I, in six months, have completed a full draft of that travel memoir I’m always talking about writing?
I’ve felt guilty about all of the above, and also about spending my days at home, warm and cozy and wearing jeans, while my sweet husband spends his days driving around the South Shore of Boston, seeing clients for therapy, often not getting home until seven or eight o’clock. I’ve felt guilty about not doing more to help him provide for the two of us. I’ve wondered if I were going about this job search the “right” way, if there is a right way. And I’ve felt especially guilty because I’ve actually enjoyed my unemployment.
I didn’t enjoy the financial strain, of course – which has grown worse as we’ve needed to pay for heating oil and slightly higher bills in the winter. Nor did I enjoy the loneliness, the feelings of cabin fever and isolation when the weather grew frigid and I began spending nearly all of my days inside. When the weather was nicer, I could find more excuses to spend afternoons downtown, poking around the shelves at the Brattle or browsing the clothes racks at Second Time Around, or sitting on Boston Common, book and camera and journal in hand. But since winter hit for real, it’s been pretty lonesome around here, despite my love of solitude and the connections available online.
But I have enjoyed some parts of my time off. For one thing, I didn’t have to rush right into an office when we moved here in August; I had time to unpack, to hang pictures, to arrange our apartment and explore our neighborhood. I’ve spent happy hours browsing at the libraries in Quincy and many sun-soaked afternoons on Boston Common. I’ve gotten to know the heart of Boston, which for me lies in the two green spaces in its center, the bustling Beacon Hill area just north of them, and the narrow streets east of the Common filled with some of my favorite Boston spots.
For another, I’ve had time to write – which I craved in Abilene, particularly when my job at ACU grew crazy and deadline-filled. I’ve kept writing for ACU, written dozens of articles for Halogen, blogged more regularly than perhaps ever before, and written some secret things I hope I’ll get to share with you one day. I’ve had lots of time to sit at this table, daydreaming, dressed comfortably and never lacking in sleep or good food or time to do whatever I pleased. Time like this is a gift to a writer, and I’ve tried to appreciate it and use it well, instead of squandering it in useless pursuits or spoiling it by obsessing about money. (Not, I might add, always successfully.)
But most of all I’ve enjoyed the freedom of this time – the complete liberty to structure my days however I want, even if that has included a little too much sleeping in and a bit too much “wasted” time. I’ve loved being in control of the hours of my days, although I’ve spent the vast majority of those hours alone. I’ve hardly had anywhere to be at a certain time for months, except church and a few outings with friends. It’s reminded me so much of my life in Oxford, where my only obligations were classes, church, working for ACU-Oxford and volunteering at Oxfam. I’ve had lots of time – however heavy it’s hung on my hands sometimes – to just be.
Starting this week, all that will change. I’ll get up with my alarm clock, to shower and dress and head downtown to Emerson College, where I’ll spend my days writing and organizing content for the college’s website. I will have co-workers, an office, a lunch break, a commute, and many fewer hours to myself. (And much more money in the bank than I’ve had.) I expect to enjoy most of these things, or learn to adapt to them – though I know there’ll be an adjustment period. Mostly, I’m thrilled to have found a job I think I’ll love, at a place I already admire. (And when the weather turns warm, I can go eat my lunches on Boston Common – happy thought!)
Have any of you ever struggled with guilt during unemployment/a career break/graduate school/another instance of downtime in your life? How did you handle it? I’d love to hear your stories.
cakes, tea and dreams 
Congratulations on the new job! I hope you enjoy settling into your new rhythm.
I feel worthless when I’m searching for job listings or writing cover letters because I don’t seem to have what they are looking for, but I feel guilty when I’m doing anything else.
When I worked with teenagers, I felt guilty when I wasn’t teaching/leading or at least planning for teaching or leading. I often felt uneasy if “all” I was doing was just hanging out with the teens.
When I was in school, I felt guilty when I wasn’t studying or doing homework.
You have to realize that not only can you not survive if you work all the time, but you can’t live. You can’t grow. How much did you learn at college that was not taught in a classroom? How much of your professional writing comes from things that happened away from the keyboard? What skills and personality traits do you bring to the job that you acquired outside of the office or classroom?
Ultimately, you are not your job. You are not the sum of your professional performance. You are Gestalt: you are greater than the sum of your parts. Without a job, perhaps a part of you is missing – but it is illogical (though understandable) to feel guilty about enjoying and tending to all the other parts. Just because a single bed is empty, do you cease to water the rest of the garden?
I am, of course, trying to convince myself. I am ready to be done with the guilt and hopelessness, and ready to enjoy biking, writing, photography, etc. again – but until then, this is what I say to stay patient and buoyant. Some days are better than others.
(I have a phone interview later this morning, at least!)
Such a beautifully written post! First off, congratulations on the job! More fresh flowers for you! 🙂
I also know what you mean. Last year, I had a good-paying job that didn’t take a lot of my time. I watched a lot of Kate & Allie, blogged, spent many hours at the gym, cooked a lot of nice dinners. And at the end of it, I did have a twinge of guilt: couldn’t I have used that time when I was watching episode after episode of Kate & Allie to write a book? But then I reasoned: I think we know what we need. In my own case, after a year of panic, I needed a year of gliding. It felt good to not worry constantly, to write a lot, and to spend my time as I wished. There are always other things we could have done, but maybe it’s possible you did just what you needed.
Congrats again!
In a word, YES! I struggle a great deal with the flexibility of my workload. I have scheduled classes to teach, meetings with students, lots of things to do for houses, but quite often I feel very guilty for the fact that I’m at HOME for most of that. I feel guilty when I cry with a student who needs to talk – I’m just chatting, not working right? Guilty when I spend an hour with students explaining the way Harry Potter is a good illustration for the French Revolution…I love HP and history, not working, right? I feel guilty when my husband comes home and the laundry still isn’t folded because I decided to watch a Cosby Show episode when I had an hour free; guilty that I can shift things around and have tea with a friend in the middle of the day. etc etc.
Fortunately, I have an incredibly supportive husband who loves to remind me of the ways in which I support our family, and a job I do well and enjoy (most of the time).
Life is full of seasons, as the people above have commented. And God is in the emptiness of winter as well as the bounty of spring.
Love you lots
Oh, honey. My entire blog feels like an ode to this very struggle, and I feel like I talk about it WAY too much, so it’s a comfort to hear someone else’s musings!
In contrast to your journey, I have decided continue down the lonesome road of freelancing rather than work full-time – at once a burden and blessing – how can one little thing be both!?
I am realizing, slowly, that men and women have different needs for downtime and that my need to sit and write is no less important than my husband’s need to fix a bike or go fishing, and the more that I relish our gifts, the better we both are at using them. The money worry never goes away, but the assurance that we will be OK has lingered, wafting over my worry in spite of myself.
Congratulations Katie! I hope you love your new gig.
congratulations on your job- it sounds like a great fit for you-
I can recall job searching and always feeling like I should be doing more, more, more! At these times you have to let go and let God and trust that you did/do your best and all things in His time. Perhaps 6 months to not rush into a new work situation is just what He had in mind for you, allowing for a smoother transition for both of you. Be easy on yourself as you return to the structured life of work- I’m looking forward to hearing more about it!
[…] 17, 2011 by katieleigh This year, Valentine’s Day coincided with my first day at a new job. We hadn’t planned a big splash, anyway, since it fell on a Monday, and we’d celebrated […]
First, congratulations on your new job! I hope it’s rewarding in all the best ways 🙂
I loved the way you described this gift of time you’ve had since moving to Boston. It seems as if you’ve cherished it and used it in a way that helped you adjust to the changes. In doing so, you’ve likely been able to give your husband the emotional support he’s needed as he’s embarked on what sounds like a very busy career.
In my long marriage (35 years this year!) my husband has done most of the traditional “breadwinning” in our family. I’ve had several part time jobs over the years, but always had more flexibility and free time than he. Two years ago he lost his job, and I was able to turn my part time employment into full time to give him the time he needed to get himself together and prepare for a change in his career. So don’t feel guilty about your time off work – there may come a day when the roles are reversed and you will be able to balance the scales 🙂
[…] noticed I’ve been missing home this winter. The weather, the distance, the long months of unemployment followed by the transition to a new job – all have had me missing the familiarity of Abilene. […]
[…] grown-up job, and I began six months of exploring the city and looking for work. (Six months ago, I started my own full-time job.) We’ve survived a full cycle of the seasons here (and I believe everyone’s comments […]
Grad school, shortly after getting married, involved a year of unemployment and a year of (very easy) part-time work. I enjoyed the heck out of it, with minimal guilt (of course I was doing *something* right?). Husband has always been really good about housework – and now that I work more hours than he does, he takes care of almost everything. But during that era, I tried to do as much house-and-lawn-work as I could, to relieve him. It’s been a good balance for all of married life. I realize that time is passed for you, this time around, but would counsel not feeling guilty – just try and be more-or-less productive, and be prepared to let him have his periods of unemployment, too. 🙂 If we could afford it, I’d love for us to have more times like that. Hobbies galore!
Yay for this post and these comments! A month ago, I resigned from a demanding, full-time job of 25-plus years (and long periods helping aging loved ones and a terminally ill husband). I am 49 years old and have a wonderful second husband who works full time, and we are blessed to not have immediate financial worries. I should be sailing into my unstructured time with no worries, right?
I am hugely surprised that — after longing for this time for so long — I feel guilty about having it…especially in an economy with high unemployment and so much uncertainty. I feel I “should be doing something productive” here at home and that I must justify my desire for extended down time before I begin looking for employment again some time next year. Mucho guilt when hubby comes home and it looks like I haven’t done anything all day!
One part of me says I desperately need some time off after an adolescent and adult life full of hard work and unrelenting emotional stress, and another part says, “There are poor people in the world who never get paid vacation if they are employed, much less take months and months off to ‘do nothing.'” I’ve only been off for a month, and I’m already worried about how I will find another job, when I don’t even plan to start looking until the spring. But I don’t want to waste my precious time off being anxious and guilty!
Am also aware that, in our culture where we “are” our work, it feels funny not to have this to serve as my identity and structure and worth. Quiet time is a little scary, no? Maybe a lot of us sort of dread the looking inside that happens when we’re not distracted by a fixed schedule and professional identity?
I also read a lot online about sabbaticals used for travel and adventure and helping the needy. But what I really want to do is to tend my home, cook, read, exercise, and pray. These are the things I haven’t had time for during a busy work life and attending constantly, for decades, to the needs of beloved people who were sick or ailing.
I love the comment that says God is in the emptiness and quiet of winter as well as in the sunshine and activity of summer. Need to remember that this is natural and OK, and that life has seasons. Thanks so much for the chance to read the post and comments.
I found this post by googling “unemployment guilt”, whilst sitting on the floor wrapped in a fleecey blanket, too guilt ridden to pop the heating on for half an hour! I’ve recently relocated to be with my other half, and even though I have given up my friends and a job I enjoyed, i still sit here most days wallowing in guilt because I haven’t immediately walked into a job. This post has made my day! Heck! My week!