Some of the best gifts: tea, handknits, chocolate, time in front of the Christmas tree.
The gift-buying season is in full swing, and while I started my Christmas knitting early, I’m now into the what-do-I-buy-everyone panic that hits every year, no matter how carefully I plan. (Stereotypically, the men in my family – father, husband, brother-in-law – are particularly difficult to shop for.)
Part of me loves to hunt for (and make) gifts for my loved ones – because I believe a thoughtful, well-chosen gift is a wonderful way to say “I love you.” The best part is finding that elusive perfect gift, wrapping it up, and anticipating the look of joy when they unwrap it on Christmas morning. A gift that says I really know them, and I care deeply enough to either buy or make them something that fits perfectly with their personality and lifestyle.
Quite a lot of pressure for a few smallish packages, isn’t it?
And that’s just the emotional side of it. We haven’t even tackled the pressure to buy local/handmade/fair trade/ethically sourced gifts when possible; to support my favorite stores; to buy people gifts they’ll actually use; and to stay on budget, not to mention the headache and expense of fitting some presents into my suitcase and shipping the rest.
And then there’s the big reason, the one I usually ignore because I’m embarrassed to admit it: I want these packages to do something they cannot do.
I want the presents I buy to express how much I love (and often miss) the folks who are receiving them, of course. And that’s fine. But somehow, I wish these gifts could make up for all the times and all the ways I can’t be there as I would like to. (This anxiety hits particularly hard when I shop for my parents, who are proud and supportive of their globe-trotting daughter but really wish she still lived a couple of hours away, or even down the street.) And those presents, no matter how wonderful, simply can’t do that.
Because in the end, they’re only Christmas gifts. Inanimate objects, even if they’re made with (and express) great love. They can delight and inspire and amuse; they can look fashionable or provide warmth or engender hours of entertainment. But they cannot take the place of a relationship. They can only be a token of the love I feel for these people who are my family, by blood or by choice. And, sadly, they cannot make up for all the ways I sometimes feel inadequate as a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend. Nor should they be made to bear that burden.
So as I finish up my shopping, I’m trying to breathe deeply and remember that. They’re only presents, after all. And if I don’t expect them to save the world, it’s much easier to delight in buying and giving them.
Do any of you get as tied up in knots about gift-giving as I do? And for the moderately sane among us, what are your secrets? (HELP.)
cakes, tea and dreams 
I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one! I have serious gift anxiety, for the same reasons. I always want to give gifts that are useful, meaningful, thoughtful, etc., and that’s really hard to do for some people. Sometimes my gifting anxiety is so great that I end up giving nothing, and then I have anxiety about that. So I’ve been working on learning to expand the possibilities of what makes a good gift, and trying to steer clear of searching for perfect gifts.
I hear you. I actually haven’t been able to buy or send gifts in the past few years as the holidays have found me in the strangest of places and that has made me quite sad. Some of my sanity tips are:
– Magazine subscriptions. The Stampington series for creative friends, National Geographic, Ms. for my feminist friends, the list goes on. It’s nice to have a gift that shows up at someone’s doorstep throughout the year.
– Stationery. Most of my friends seem to share my passion for it, so a nice writing set or cards always make someone’s day.
– An e-course. Marianne’s 30 days of yoga? Susannah Conway’s Photo Meditations? E-courses can make beautiful gifts.
– An experience gift. These are always Elijah’s favorite, as he does not seem to like ‘stuff’ and has a talent for losing anything anyone gets him. So he prefers that I plan something for the two of us, be it escaping to a cabin in the woods (and you’re around Vermont/New Hampshire/Western Mass!) or a hike or concert tickets or a brewery tour or something like that.
That photo has such a warm glow to it – it makes me want to crawl under your tree next to the gifts!
Katie, this is such a lovely post. There is such pressure to spend enough (be it time or money) on something PERFECT, when really, the end result should just be that they like it, nothing more.
Katie, as the parent of a 31 year old who has lived far away from me since he was 18, I can tell you that your parents probably only want the sound of your voice, the look of your smile, a hug, a heartfelt “I love you.” You have such a beautiful way with words – write them a lovely message and record it in one of those recordable frames with a picture of you in it 🙂
I don’t have any particular gift-giving anxiety but I do search high and low for presents that convey my care and thoughtfulness. I know how loved I feel when someone finds the perfect gift for me. There’s joy in loving others this way. But yes, it can be a lot of pressure and it doesn’t replace relationship. It’s the icing on the cake, really.
I’ve realized in the last few years that gift-giving is actually really high on my love language list, and so I LOVE shopping for and getting great gifts. I shop for gifts for a long time, and hunt sales, and really really listen when people say things they are hoping for. I find that buying one small and perfect present is far better than boxes of big and distant gifts. However, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s often hard to say everything you need to in one gift, or to buy gifts for everyone you’d like to.
Yes! There is nothing quite like the triumph of finding the perfect gift for someone wonderful. Buying presents for friends who appreciate quirky things is easy enough…it tends to be older family members that stump me. I’m sure whatever you make and give will be terrific expressions of your love.
This is my favorite thing you’ve ever written. It really struck a cord with me, and I think you’re awesome for seeing the root if your present anxiety. I don’t think many people are that honest with themselves.
The lady few years my family has given gifts to charities in people’s names. Always it’s a charity that means something to the other person, and we exchange cards on Christmas day. Some of us spend hours looking for the perfect card to express how we feel about our relationship, others make theirs. It works our really well for us, particularly since I have a MIL who is incredibly stuff-oriented, and had made the day all about the gifts in the past.
I understand the need to make a present say so much, though, especially since we have so many people we love that a gift cannot possibly do justice to. Which is why I’m glad we just make the day about God and family.
[…] I simply wanted the course to do something it couldn’t do (similar to the root of the gift-giving anxiety I struggle with around the holidays). I am always – and especially since I moved to Boston […]